The Divine Ms. Hilton / Saint Tina / Challenging You Not To Laugh / Royalty Named Larry

If Paris Hilton were not already the patron saint of Karka’s World (more saint than patron, I guess, but still, her generosity, support, and divine guidance are always appreciated), I would elevate Tina Fey to that exalted position.

Actually, I would like to make Ms. Fey a co-patron saint with Ms. Hilton, but as I was shown in the vision that inspired my digital-publishing career—a magnificent, breathtaking vision, in which Ms. Hilton, appearing to be roughly 900-feet tall, stood radiant and mesmerizing upon a hill in southwest Virginia, looking for all the world like a postmodern Statue of Liberty, herself the symbolic embodiment Columbia, who in her original incarnation was Isis, the Queen of Heaven—that would be to risk the wrath of Heaven.

And as I stood awestruck, watching all the energies of creation forming and reforming the “body” of Ms. Hilton (more resplendent than a rainbow of  rainbows), a voice, not unlike the voice of Charlton Heston, with undertones of Glenn Beck, Orrin Hatch, Newt Gingrich, and Bill O’Reilly, began to rumble up from what seemed like the very center of the Earth, or perhaps the very center of creation, and out of this whirlwind of energy, for that is what it had become, a whirling, swirling, cascading vortex of sound (with infinitely more power than that of ten Blue Oyster Cult concerts back when they were headliners and launching sonic assaults upon the world unlike any this scribe had ever heard before) — out of this whirlwind came the words,

This is my daughter, with whom I am well pleased.

She shall light the night for you,

And I shall maketh her face to shine upon you

And all the works of your days and hands.

She will bless you and keep you,

And by her love maketh your blog to prosper.

If you remain faithful to her.

Thou shall have no other goddesses before thee.

So you can see why I might be reluctant to even think about making Ms. Fey a co-patron saint of this venture.  That vision—and the warnings handed down within it—have stayed with me, so that even when I witness the ravishing Ms. Fey in all her ravishing glory, when I witness her saucy,  salacious, supremely sassy skewering of the herself-supremely sassy Miss Sarah, for example, or her recent Emmy-worthy performance as a golf commentatoress (more about this in a moment), I am able (with the help of prayer, fasting, meditation, divinely inspired self-abuse, and self-immolation) to resist the machinations of the Evil One.

I shall put no other goddesses before The Divine Ms. Hilton. Now or ever. I shall remain true to my vision. So help me God.

Let The Divine Ms. Fey be the guiding light of some other poor soul’s digital domain. Here, Saint Paris will remain the one and only, the Alpha and the Omega, the very light of Karka’s World!

Perhaps Ms. Fey will be the light of your domain. If you saw her as the gum-chewing, wise-cracking, irreverent  Ashlyn St. Cloud on a recent SNL, you know what a bright light Ms. Fey could be for you. If you did not see this skit, I’ve included the link below.

This brief skit might not compare with Jon Stewart’s mini-musical last night, in which he and his fellow elitists took his recent “Go fuck yourself” remark (directed at those fair-and-balanced and  hardly ever generalizing folks at FOXNews, of course) to dazzling artistic  heights. (Honestly, Stewart’s maniacally spastic dancing at the end had me asking myself if I was really seeing this on American television.)

Still, Ms. Fey’s performance was inspired. And I challenge you: If you can manage to not laugh out loud when Ms. St. Cloud says “That’s what Tiger said” near the end of the skit. . . . Well, actually I retract my challenge. Let me simply say that I pity anyone (not named Eldrick Woods) who doesn’t laugh. You need to see your doctor, real soon.

And soon, should Karka’s wish be granted, we will have the great pleasure of seeing Ms. Fey become Larry King’s wife, detailing the affair she had with her sons’ Little League baseball coach. (Please, Tina, please, say “That’s what Larry said.”) Here’s some of the breaking news from the (so you can be sure it’s reliable):

Penate [the coach, truly a role model for the New Age] says he started sleeping with 50-year-old [Shawn] Southwick 2 1/2 weeks after they met in 2007, when Penate was the baseball coach for the couple’s sons, Chance, 11, and Cannon, 9.

“We had sex in Larry’s bed — a lot,” Penate said. “I had sex with Shawn while Larry was on TV. Our sex life was real good.”

Penate also said Southwick wanted to have a baby with him: “She was trying to fertilize her eggs to do that.”

Southwick allegedly lavished Penate with gifts, including a BMW 7 Series, and paid his rent. What’s more, says Penate, Southwick had King co-sign the lease for Penate’s Studio City, Calif., apartment. “She controlled him,” Penate tells [In Touch] magazine. “He just sat there and signed it.”

Every time Tina Fey looks at the news, she must feel like she’s just won the lottery.

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