Tiger and the “Groove” / 40,000 Legs Under Wilt’s C / The World Before Kevin Keller / Praying for “Struggle” / M-O-N-E-Y
I read this headline today in the Roanoke Times: “Tiger struggles to find groove.”
Really? Just last week, while standing in the checkout line at Kroger (the checkout line being one of the most educational zones imaginable, far more information rich than any library), Karka read that Tiger Woods reportedly slept with 120 women in his five years of marriage. (To be more precise: I believe that the report said Tiger had had “physical relations” with 120 women, so I guess he might have been helping a few of them with their swing.) At this rate, by next year Tiger will have slept with (or had “physical relations” with) more than 1200 women, and within the next two years he will be challenging Wilt Chamberlain for the all-time crown.
Chamberlain of course claimed in his autobiography—appropriately titled A View from Above—to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. That was quite a claim. You don’t have to be a math whiz to realize that if “the stilt” (perhaps he should have been called “the pole”) had slept with a different woman every day for fifty years, that would only give him about 18,250 women. A young Swedish athlete once said of him, “I think Wilt fucked everything that moved.” (Karka hopes she was engaging in a bit of hyperbole here.) Strangely enough, Wilt Chamberlain remained a bachelor all his life, which, according to pop psychology (the very best kind!) means that he was without doubt a homosexual, and that his frantic pursuit of pussy and his absurd claims were his pathetic attempt to deny his homosexuality—perhaps even to himself. (Archie Comics and Kevin Keller had not yet made the world a safe place to be gay in.)
Now that we’ve taken care of that matter, let us get back to Tiger and the claim that he is struggling “to find groove.” Even if Tiger has slept with only 120 women in the last five years, I think it’s safe to say that if anyone has not been struggling “to find groove,” it’s been Mr. Woods. Now you may be thinking that Karka has a dirty mind (perhaps the result of reading all those comic books when he was young, or studying literature in college) and is way off base (second base? third?) in interpreting “groove” in this sexual way. If so, you’re probably one those people who thinks that when Madonna sang
Get into the groove
Boy you’ve got to prove
Your love to me
she was singing about dancing. (By the way, if Madonna were to claim that she has had 20,000 lovers, Karka would not be reaching for his calculator!)
So, if Tiger is struggling, there must be a billion men praying at this moment, “Lord, if it be thy will, please let your poor servant struggle.” But as always, we should be careful what we pray for. Getting into the groove can be downright expensive. As Ben Roethlisberger is reminded, every single day. But Big Ben’s $2.8 million “groove tax” is chump change compared to the penalty Mr. Woods faces. According to recent reports, a divorce could cost him $600 million, which if my math is correct mean that each of Tiger’s 120 “grooves” could end up costing him $5 million.
Once again the Fabulous Thunderbirds tell us all we need to know.
How do you spell love? M-O-N-E-Y.
Lots and lots of M-O-N-E-Y.