Bad Horoscope Day / FOXNews Slumber Party / Very Naughty Comics / Communist Conspiracy / Karka Gives Thanks

I begin this post with some trepidation because my horoscope for today offered this warning: “Your communication skills will not be stellar” (no real surprise). But the warning didn’t stop there; I was told that “once you disclose your ideas and thoughts, you will be open to criticism.”

Karka’s first thought upon reading that was to go back to bed. (This is Karka’s first thought most of the time.) But then he thought, where would the world be if Glenn Beck went back to bed every time he faced a little adversity? And if Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly went back to bed every time they felt a tiny twinge of conscience? And if Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin went back to bed—together? (That would be a slumber party worthy of Archie Comics—at least the new Archie Comics. Let’s see: Ann could be Betty, Sarah would obviously be Veronica, you betcha!, and Michelle, Michelle could be the ever-delectable and inexplicably under-appreciated Midge. If only Karka could draw!)

Like most of the nation (read: all right-thinking people), your intrepid reporter is still reeling from the news that Archie Comics, that bastion of truth, light, and the American way (in Riverdale, no kid ever grows up; how American can you get?), has gone over to the Dark Side. And I don’t mean that Archie and the gang have come out in favor of President Obama’s health care plan, or that they have been urging readers to mail their census form in on time, or that they have been offering a “progressive” take on the various bail-outs, pointing out that such bail-outs violate the most basic tenets of our cherished free-market system.

No. Archie Comics, whose subtly salacious narratives of throbbingly chaste lust made it the pre-Playboy of young boys all across our great land (inspiring more fantasies than even Mary Ann and Ginger on that island), has gone gay! (I know I’ve been over this before, but it still hasn’t quite sunk in, still hasn’t penetrated my consciousness yet.)

And I’m afraid this is only the beginning. What will be the next revelation? That Richie Rich’s girlfriend Gloria was actually a transvestite—or worse? (We all knew that Richie’s cousin Reggie—in the light of the recent Archie news, we now know that “Reggie” has all along been a code word for “gay”—was a homosexual predator in the making, and more suited to a British publication—like Monty Python’s Gay Boys in Bondage.) And what are we, in light of recent developments, to make of a character named Mr. Woody? What are we to make of a butler, Cadbury, who leads a double life? (What might that “cad” like to “bury”? And where might he like to bury it?) What are we to make of a Professor whose last name is Mindblow?

Karka feels as if his mind is about to be blown.

Now I don’t want to get all hysterical à la Glenn Beck, but it’s beginning to look like the Puritans have been right all along, that children’s comics have always been about sex and nothing but sex. For example, examine the Richie Rich cover below:

You don’t have to be Wilson Bryan Key (he of Subliminal Seduction fame) to see the symbolism here. The “gusher” is too obvious to even merit comment. Much more insidious is what comes before: If you look closely at the name “Gloria,” you will see that her face comes out of the “O”—we might say the “hole”—in her name. And who among us will not immediately flash on the term “glory hole” when confronted by this image? Talk about your “media sexploitation” (to borrow the title of another of Key’s books). When I think about what was being suggested to our youth in this seemingly innocent comic book cover—well, I can’t even bring myself to put it into words.

Need further proof that comic books have amounted to a concerted effort to undermine the morals of America’s youth? Consider this cover:

Even Ben Roethlisberger could decode that image!

And this one:

Can you say “make it rain”? (Things “come” to life here all right. Twisted, perverted life.)

All this is obviously the work of the Devil. But of course there was no character more devilish than Hot Stuff, who if you remember liked to go around “forking” people in the butt with his flame-spitting trident. The same kind of insidious symbolism that we’ve seen in the Richie Rich covers is all over Hot Stuff covers too. Let me just provide a few examples:

Karka read all these comic books religiously when he was young, and he never once realized that the worldwide Jewish Gay-Lesbian Trans-gendered Atheistic Devil-worshiping Hollywood-infiltrating PETA-spawning Postmodernism-in-the-making Communist Conspiracy was working to subvert his values and, beyond that, working to turn him into a pervert!

Thank god they didn’t succeed!

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